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1、ComplicitybyJulianBarnesOctober192009WhenIwasahiccuppingboymymotherwouldfetchthebackdokeypullmycollarawayfrommyneckslipthecoldmetaldownmyback.AtthetimeItookthistobeanmalmedical—maternal—procedure.OnlylaterdidIwonderifthe

2、curewkedmerelybycreatingadiversionwhetherperhapstherewassomemeclinicalexplanationwhetheronesensecoulddirectlyaffectanother.WhenIwasatwentyyearoldimpossiblyinlovewithamarriedwomanwhohadnonotionofmyattachmentdesireIdevelop

3、edaskinconditionwhosenameInolongerremember.MybodyturnedscarletfromwristtoanklefirstitchingbeyondthepowerofcalaminelotionthenlightlyflakingthenfullypeelinguntilIhadshedmyselflikesometransmutingreptile.Bitsofmefellintomysh

4、irttrousersintothebedclothesontothecarpet.Theonlypartsthatdidn’tburnpeelweremyfacemyhsfeetmygroin.Ididn’taskthedoctwhythiswasthecaseInevertoldthewomanofmylove.WhenIdivcedmydoctfriendBenhadmeshowhimmyhs.Iaskedifmodernmedi

5、cinewasgoingbacktopalmistryaswellastoleechesifsowhetherastrologymagismthetheyofhumscouldbefarbehind.HerepliedthathecouldtellfromthecolofmyhsfingertipsthatIwasdrinkingtoomuch.LaterwonderingifIhadbeendupedintocuttingdownIa

6、skedhimifhehadbeenjokingguessing.Heturnedmyhspalmuppermostnoddedinapprovalsaidthathewouldnowlookoutfunattachedfemalemedicswhomightnotfindmetoorepugnant.ThefirsttimeImetherwasatapartyofBen’sshehadbroughthermother.Haveyouw

7、atchedmothersdaughtersatpartiestogethertriedtowkoutwhoistakingcareofwhomThedaughtergivingMumabitofanoutingMumwatchingfthestofmenherdaughterattractsbothatthesametimeEvenifthey’replayingatbestfriendsthere’softenanextraflic

8、keroffmalityintherelationship.Disapprovaleithergoesunexpressedisexaggeratedwitharolloftheeyeatheatricalmouea“Shenevertakesanynoticeofmeanyway.”Wewerestingthereinatightcirclewithafourthpersonmymemyhasblankedout.Shewasoppo

9、sitemehermotherwasonmyleft.Iwastryingtobemyselfwhateverthatmightbeatthesametimetryingtomakethatselfacceptableifnotactuallypleasing.PleasingtohermotherthatisIwasn’tboldenoughtotrytopleaseherdirectly—atleastnotincompany.Ic

10、an’trememberwhatwetalkedaboutbutitseemedtobegoingO.K.perhapsthefgottenfourthhelped.WhatIdorememberwasthis:shehadherrightarmdownbyhersidewhenshecaughtmelookinginhergeneraldirectionsheinconspicuouslymadethesmokinggesture—y

11、ouknowthefirsttwofingersextendedslightlypartedtheotherfingersthethumbbentawayoutofsight.IthoughtAdoctwhosmokesthat’sagoodsign.WhiletheconversationcontinuedIgotoutmypacketofMarlboLightswithoutlooking—myactivitytoowasatwai

12、stlevel—extractedasinglecigarettereturnedthepacktomypockettookthecigarettebythefiltertippasseditaroundhermother’sbackfeltitbeingtakenfrommyfingers.NotingaslightpauseonherpartIwentbacktomypockettookoutabookofmatchesheldit

13、bythestrikingendfeltitbeingtakenfrommyfingerswatchedherlightupexhaleclosethebookofmatchesthenpassitbackbehindhermother.IreceiveditdelicatelybythesameendasIhadgivenitout.surfacewouldscrapeagainsttheasphalttearingskincosti

14、ngyoutherace.Thewoundwouldscabupyou’dhavetoadjustyourhpingtheknuckleofthefourthfingerintothedangerareainstead.Butthisneverproducedthesamevelocitysoyouquicklywentbacktotheusualthirdfingertechniqueoftenrippingoffthenewlyfm

15、edscab.Yourparentsneverwarnyouabouttherightthingsdotheyperhapstheycanwarnyouonlyabouttheimmediatelocalstuff.Theybagetheknuckleofyourrightdlefingerwarnagainstgettingitinfected.Theyexplainaboutthedentisthowthepainwillwearo

16、ffafterward.Theyteachyouthehighwaycode—atleastasitappliestojunipedestrians.MybrotherIwereonceabouttocrossaroadwhenourfatherputonafirmvoiceinstructedusto“pauseonthecurb.”Wewereattheagewhenaprimitiveunderstingoflanguageisi

17、ntersectedbyakindofgiddinessaboutitspossibilities.Welookedateachothershouted“Pawsonthecurb!”thensquatteddownwithourhsflatontheedgeoftheroadway.Ourfatherthoughtthiswasverysillynodoubthewasalreadycalculatinghowlongthejokew

18、ouldrun.Naturewarnedusourparentswarnedus.Weunderstoodaboutknucklescabbingtraffic.WelearnedtolookoutfloosecarpetonthestairsbecauseGrmahadoncenearlytakenatumblewhenoneofherbrassstairrodsremovedfannualpolishinghadn’tbeenrep

19、lacedproperly.Welearnedaboutthinicefrostbiteevilboyswhoputpebblessometimesevenrazbladesintosnowballs—thoughnoneofthesewarningswereeverjustifiedbyevents.Welearnedabouttlesthistleshowgrasswhichseemedsuchharmlessstuffcouldg

20、iveyouasuddenburnlikespaper.Wewerewarnedaboutknivesscisssthedangeroftheuntiedshoelace.Wewerewarnedaboutstrangemenwhomighttrytolureusintocarslriesthoughittookusyearstowkoutthat“strange”didnotmean“bizarre”“hunchbacked”“dri

21、bbling”“goitered”—howeverwedefinedstrangeness—butmerely“unknowntous.”Wewerewarnedaboutbadboyslaterbadgirls.AnembarrassedsciencemasterwarnedusagainstV.D.misleadinglyinfmingusthatitwascausedby“indiscriminatesexualintercour

22、se.”Wewerewarnedaboutgluttonyslothlettingdownourschoolaboutavaricegreedlettingdownourfamilyaboutenvywrathlettingdownourcountry.Wewereneverwarnedaboutheartbreak.Iusedthewd“complicity”abitago.Ilikethewd.Tomeitindicatesanun

23、spokenunderstingbetweentwopeopleakindofpresenseifyoulike.Thefirsthintthatyoumaybesuitedbefethenervoustrudgeryoffindingoutwhetheryou“sharethesameinterests”havethesamemetabolismaresexuallycompatiblebothwantchildrenhoweveri

24、tisthatweargueconsciouslyaboutourunconsciousdecisions.Laterlookingbackwewillfetishizecelebratethefirstdatethefirstkissthefirstholidaytogetherbutwhatreallycountsiswhathappenedbefethispublicsty:thatmomentmeofpulsethanoftho

25、ughtwhichgoesYesperhapsherYesperhapshim.ItriedtoexplainthistoBenafewdaysafterhisparty.Benisacrosswddoeradictionaryloverapedant.Hetoldmethat“complicity”meansasharedinvolvementinacrimeasinanefariousact.Itmeansplanningtodos

26、omethingbad.IprefertokeepthetermasIunderstit.Fmeitmeansplanningtodosomethinggood.SheIwerebothfreeadultscapableofmakingourowndecisions.nobodyplanstodoanythingbadatthatmomentdotheyWewenttoafilmtogether.Ihadasyetnoclearsens

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